Navigating Mixed Feelings in Long-Term Romantic Relationships.

11 hours ago7 min read1 comments

Leigh remembers those early days with Thomas as a season of quiet uncertainty, a time that should have been filled with the electric thrill of new romance but was instead dominated by a persistent, low-grade doubt. He was kind, gentle, shy—a stark contrast to the men who had populated her past—yet she found herself endlessly turning over a single question in her mind: was his attentiveness endearing or merely annoying? This state of emotional limbo, what psychologists term ambivalence, is a feeling familiar to nearly anyone in a long-term relationship, a complex tapestry woven from threads of deep affection and occasional, profound irritation.For Leigh, a 33-year-old psychologist, that initial fence-sitting eventually resolved into a firm commitment, only for the dynamic to flip entirely. Just as she became 'bonded and invested,' Thomas retreated into a pattern of avoidance, creating a painful push-pull cycle that would define their two-and-a-half-year relationship.His ambivalence became the central character in their story, a force that would see him insist she move in, only to emotionally withdraw three months after she’d unpacked her life into his space, leaving her to wonder, 'This time, where do I rebuild from here?' This narrative is far from unique. We are collectively sold a fairy tale, a 'Disney did us dirty' ideal, as licensed clinical psychologist Alexandra Solomon aptly calls it, that a healthy relationship must be a relentless parade of positivity.The reality, for the vast majority of couples, is far messier and more human. Research led by Bert Uchino, a professor of social and health psychology at the University of Utah, reveals a startling statistic: in a study of long-married couples, about 60 percent reported feeling ambivalent toward their partner.The other 40 percent felt positively, though one might wonder if the researchers simply caught them on a particularly good day. This prevalence suggests that mixed feelings are not a harbinger of doom but rather a standard, if uncomfortable, feature of the shared human experience.We build our social worlds on these ambivalent connections; nearly half our networks are composed of them. It’s the friend whose support is unwavering but whose jokes sometimes land as barbs, the in-laws whose love is genuine but whose presence can grate, and the partner whose fundamental goodness is occasionally obscured by a maddening habit of leaving dishes by the sink.The impact of this emotional tug-of-war isn't merely psychological; it leaves a physical signature on the body. Uchino’s decades of work demonstrate that interacting with, or even just talking about, someone who evokes mixed feelings results in measurably higher blood pressure than engaging with a purely positive figure.The body, it seems, interprets ambivalence as a low-grade stressor. In one telling study, receiving support from an ambivalent tie actually increased blood pressure, a paradox that highlights the internal conflict.The stakes are even higher for long-term health; older married couples who both viewed their partner ambivalently and were perceived as ambivalent in return showed greater coronary-artery calcification, a hardening of the arteries that signals cardiovascular risk. Yet, to pathologize this common experience is to miss its nuance.Giulia Zoppolat, a postdoctoral researcher at Amsterdam University Medical Centers, argues for a 'healthier narrative around ambivalence. ' The key, she suggests, is learning to distinguish between the benign, natural ambivalence that accompanies any deep human connection and the toxic ambivalence that serves as an alarm bell for a relationship in genuine distress.Often, these mixed feelings surface at life’s major crossroads—the decision to cohabitate, to have a child, to relocate for a job. These are moments that 'pull forward both positive and negative behaviors,' Uchino notes, forcing a reckoning with the fundamental questions: Is this the life I want? Do I want it with this person? This kind of ambivalence is not only normal but functional, a necessary process of evaluation before a life-altering commitment.Outside of these pivotal transitions, ambivalence can also germinate in the fertile ground of daily routine, sprouting from the accumulated residue of small, unresolved arguments about domestic labor, financial stress, or emotional neglect. The consequence of living with these conflicting feelings is a relational volatility.Studies, including Zoppolat’s, show that ambivalence can lead to less intimacy, more frequent thoughts of breaking up, and a general decline in relationship and life satisfaction. Partners may oscillate wildly between warm support and cold withdrawal, as the psyche struggles to reconcile love and frustration.According to Ruddy Faure, an assistant professor at Radboud University in the Netherlands, making this internal conflict explicit is often detrimental. 'In general, explicit ambivalence seems to be bad for relationships,' he says, linking it to higher stress, lower happiness, and a greater likelihood of a breakup.However, there is another, more mature path. Solomon sees the capacity to hold contradictory feelings as a marker of emotional sophistication.This form of ambivalence can be a powerful motivator for positive change, inspiring couples to improve communication or re-invest in shared joy. The physical toll can be mitigated, Uchino explains, by limiting the duration of the stress response; managing the ambivalence bodes well for long-term health.For those navigating these murky waters, the work begins internally. Licensed marriage and family therapist Moe Ari Brown advises mining the roots of the feeling: What truly feels off? Is it a lost spark, a discovered incompatibility, or an unmet need? The solution often lies not in accusation but in a positive, specific request—a return to the rituals of dating, for instance, framed not as 'You don’t ever spend time with me' but as 'I really missed how we used to always have a show we were watching together.' Ultimately, working through ambivalence requires a conscious effort to hold the entire picture, to recall the positive memories and inside jokes that originally built the foundation. Faure points to the power of 'positive biases' in helping people persist through rough patches.To accept ambivalence is, in a profound sense, to embrace the full humanity of another person—to love them not in spite of their flaws, but with a clear-eyed understanding that even the most vital relationships will sometimes be a source of negativity. Research shows that simply acknowledging these less-than-positive emotions can lead to better emotional regulation, more constructive conversations, and greater relational satisfaction.For Leigh and Thomas, the cycle proved too destructive to continue. But for countless other couples, the presence of mixed feelings isn't the end of the story; it's a complicated, often painful, but entirely normal chapter in the long story of learning how to love another person, fully and realistically.

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