Emotionally Intelligent People Use 5 Phrases for Relationships

14 hours ago7 min read7 comments

The question arrives in my inbox with a quiet urgency, a digital whisper from someone feeling adrift in their own emotional currents: 'How do I control my emotions?' It’s a plea I’ve encountered countless times in my conversations with people navigating the complexities of their inner lives, a testament to the universal struggle against that visceral tide of feeling that can so easily sweep away our better judgment and leave relational wreckage in its wake. As someone who listens for a living, who finds the richest stories not in grand events but in the quiet battlegrounds of the human heart, I’ve come to see this not as a quest for suppression, but for integration.The goal isn't to become an unfeeling automaton; that would be to strip away the very thing that makes our connections—our loves, our empathies, our shared joys—so profoundly beautiful. The real work, the delicate art of emotional intelligence, lies in learning to dance with these forces, to partner with them so that reason and feeling move in a kind of harmonious rhythm, allowing us to look back on our actions not with the hot flush of regret, but with the quiet warmth of integrity.It’s a practice, a daily conversation with oneself, and often the most powerful tools are the simplest phrases, mantras we can whisper in the storm to find our footing. Consider the first: 'What advice would you give?' When emotions cloud the lens, painting the world in shades of immediate reaction, this question acts as a gentle pivot.It asks you to step outside of your own heated narrative and view the situation from the balcony, as a compassionate observer might. It’s a cognitive sleight of hand that leverages our innate wisdom for others, a wisdom we so often deny ourselves.To make it even more potent, try a temporal shift. Project yourself a few years into the future, looking back at this present moment as a chapter already written.Whether you succeeded or stumbled, the distance softens the edges, allowing a clearer, more balanced perspective to emerge, untangling the knot of immediate emotion from the thread of long-term consequence. Then there is the profound acceptance embedded in 'Mistakes are part of the process.' We intellectually know this, yet our culture of perfection screams the opposite. Framing errors not as catastrophic personal failures but as inevitable, even valuable, waypoints on the journey of learning is a radical act of self-compassion.In relationships, especially when guiding or mentoring, this mindset is transformative. It allows you to allocate not just time, but patience—a far more precious resource.It builds psychological safety, that fertile ground where trust can grow, because the people around you understand that missteps are not met with scorn, but are seen as the raw material for growth, opportunities to collectively refine the process. The third phrase, often misattributed to Gandhi but born from the wisdom of a Brooklyn teacher—'Be the change'—taps into a fundamental truth of human psychology.We are, at our core, creatures of imitation. The research is unequivocal; we learn less through direct instruction and more through the powerful, silent curriculum of observed behavior.This phrase is a potent reminder of our own agency. You cannot force change in another person; to try is to invite frustration and resentment.But you can absolutely control your own conduct, your own responses, your own standards. By embodying the change you wish to see—whether it's more patience, more honesty, more kindness—you become a living model.You focus your energy on what is within your sphere of influence, and in doing so, you create a gravitational pull that makes it easier, over time, for others to shift their own orbits. The fourth, 'Experiences over things,' speaks to a deeper existential hunger.In a world saturated with consumerism, we often fall prey to what I’ve come to think of as 'more disease'—the insatiable belief that the next possession will finally bring contentment. But this is a hollow chase, a treadmill that never stops.Material acquisitions provide a fleeting thrill, but they quickly fade into the background, often creating a new void that demands the next purchase. Experiences, however, weave themselves into the very fabric of our being.A shared adventure, a difficult conversation navigated with grace, a moment of quiet connection—these become memories. They change our neural pathways, influence our future decisions, and shape the stories we tell about ourselves and our relationships.They are the capital of a rich life, not just a full house. Applying this to work reframes its purpose; it’s not merely a means to acquire things, but to fund the time and freedom for more of these formative experiences.And finally, for those of us, and I include myself here, who sometimes find ourselves retreating into the shadowy corridors of passive-aggression, the phrase 'Attack the problem. Not the person' is a lifeline back to authentic connection.Passive-aggression is often a misguided coping mechanism, a way of expressing frustration or disappointment without the vulnerability of direct confrontation. We pout, we become sarcastic, we agree but then subtly undermine—all behaviors that erode trust and create distance.This simple, powerful directive cuts through that. It re-centers the conflict on the shared issue, the external obstacle, rather than making it a personal indictment.It encourages active, courageous communication: stating your feelings clearly, explaining your perspective, and then collaborating on a solution. Even if the ultimate decision isn't your preferred one, the act of having your voice fully heard allows you to buy into the collective path forward with a whole heart, rather than a resentful one.So, the next time you feel the familiar surge, the tightening in your chest or the heat in your face, reach for these phrases. Let 'What advice would you give?' provide perspective.Let 'Mistakes are part of the process' grant grace. Let 'Be the change' empower your actions.Let 'Experiences over things' clarify your priorities. And let 'Attack the problem.Not the person' guide you back to constructive dialogue. This is the practice of emotional intelligence in its truest form—not a destination, but a continuous, compassionate dialogue with the self, a journey toward making your emotions not your adversaries, but your most insightful allies in the art of building a life well-lived with others.

#emotional intelligence

#self-talk

#relationships

#personal development

#mental health

#communication skills

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